Just eat it
by The Holy Beergut
Summary: So, how does it taste?
1. Camel Spider

Disclaimer: I don't own the MGS series. (The Patriots do!)

Chapter 1: Camel spiders

Snake: (Calls Paramedic.)

Paramedic: I see you caught a Camel Spider.

Snake: ………

Paramedic: Camel spiders are nocturnal animals, often spending days sleeping in Holes and Barrows they dig.

Snake:………

Paramedic: They normally won't attack humans, but will bite if provoke so take care not to aggravate it.

Snake:………

Paramedic: They're not poisonous, and use mainly their strength and speed to catch their prey. The Camel Spider is Carnivorous and lives on a diet of insects, spiders, scorpions and small lizards. It is so voracious that it will feed until it is too bloated to move effectively.

Snake: ……So, how does it taste?

Paramedic: ……Snake, it's a spider.

Snake: And a pretty big one at that, it should make a rather filling meal right?

Paramedic: Ugh! I can't believe you would even think of eating something like that!

Snake: What? This is the wilderness we're talking about, I can't just crack open a Calorie mate or a packet of instant noodles anytime.

Paramedic: Well, the guide doesn't say anything about it.

Snake: And why is that?

Paramedic: Well I don't know, maybe it's because in a normal situation, nobody would even think of trying to eat it. Or maybe it's because this is a guide about Wildlife in RUSSIA, whereas the Camel spider is primarily found in Deserts. How DID you come across it anyway?

Snake: It was just wandering around the jungle ground.

Paramedic: ……sure.

Snake: No, really. Anyway, do you think it's edible?

Paramedic: Ugh! I give up! Do what you like! (Signs off)

Snake: (Stares at the Camel spider for a few moments before eating it.)

Barely noticeable stamina recovery.

Snake: This is so horrible! (Throws half eaten Camel spider carcass on the ground before moving all.)

Five minutes later…

The Fear: Michelle! Michelle! Where are you?

(Sees Camel spider carcass.)

The Fear: Michelle! (Picks ups spider and begins sobbing.) Oh Michelle! Who could have done this to you? (Mourns for a few minutes before laying down the Camel spider carcass.)

The Fear: Michelle…I swear I shall find out who did this to you. And then they shall feel………THE FEAR!

End Chapter

A/N: I did this out of complete Boredom and because I liked the conversations between Paramedic and Snake so much. I also was rather amused by the fact that you could capture and eat the End's parrot so I added the last part in because of that. More will come depending on whether I get a good enough response and whether or not I suffer writer's block.


	2. Pringles Potato chips Sour cream and oni...

Disclaimer: The Philosophers' legacy shall be mine! But I still don't own the MGS series.

A/N: This is with regards to my last chapter. Let it be known that I do not support the random killing and eating of animals (especially if they're rare and exotic.) So don't go be eating anything you find on the street boys and girls. Dead…OR alive.

Chapter 2: Pringles potato chips. (Sour cream and onion flavor.)

Snake: (calls Paramedic.)

Paramedic: Hey, you got some Pringles potato chips!

Snake: ……what?

Paramedic: Pringles potato chips! It a type of snack food, akin to the calorie mate or instant noodles. But much better! It's got the whole world in a storm! Once you pop, the fun never stops!

Snake: ……okayyyyy.

Paramedic: Hey, what flavor is it?

Snake: Err, Sour cream and onion.

Paramedic: Ahhh, sour cream and onion. Pop those delectable and savory crisps into your mouth and crunch away! Smooth sour cream flavor and a delicious onion taste make for finger lickin' goodness!

Snake: ………So, it's edible?

Paramedic: What? Oh yeah, yeah it's edible alright. Go right ahead; just be careful not to get addicted though. (Signs off.)

Snake: (Stares at the tube of Pringles potato chips (Sour cream and onion flavor) for a few moments before opening it and eating one.)

Barely noticeable stamina recovery. (What? You didn't expect one single potato chip, no matter how delicious, to give a decent stamina recovery didn't you?)

Snake: I want some more! (Eats another one.)

Barely noticeable stamina recovery.

Snake: Now THAT'S, DAMN good! (Eats another one.)

Barely noticeable stamina recovery.

Snake: Mmmmm… delicious! (Eats another one.)

Barely noticeable stamina recovery.

(This continues until the whole tube is empty, altogether giving snake a great stamina recovery.)

Snake: More…mo…re… (Call paramedic)

Snake: Par…dic…mo…mor…chips…

Paramedic: No! Snake; don't give in to the addiction! Fight it! FIGHT IT!

Major Zero: Snake! Concentrate on the mission!

Snake: mo…more chips…(Signs off)

Major Zero/Paramedic: SNAKE! NO!

Snake: (Wanders off in search of more Pringles potato chip, sour cream and onion flavor preferably but not necessary.) More…chips…

End Chapter

A/N: Can't find much nutritious information on Pringles. And yes, I am well aware that it did not exist back in Russia during the 1960s. But hey, So didn't the Shagohod or the Cobra unit right?


	3. Mr Peanut

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid. (I do, however own 3 rays, a couple of Rexes, and half a dozen Shagohods.)

Chapter 3: Mr. Peanut.

Snake: Paramedic, I caught a peanut.

Paramedic: FOUND a peanut Snake. You really should work on your vocabulary more often.

Snake: No, I caught it. It was running around in circles when I saw it. The damn thing took 7 tranq rounds before it went down.

Paramedic: So you "caught" a peanut, that you found running around in circles in the jungle.

Snake: Yep.

Paramedic: Snake, I thought I told you not to eat those leaves you found a while back.

Snake: No, I'm serious. I actually found a giant walking peanut.

Paramedic: I see. So, this peanut of yours, it has legs?

Snake: Yeah, and arms.

Paramedic: and arms?

Snake: and it's wearing shoes and gloves.

Paramedic: Shoes, and gloves?

Snake: And a top hat and a…what's that thing, the glasses with only one glass? Sokolov was wearing one?

Paramedic: A monocle?

Snake: Yeah, that's it. Oh, and it's carrying a cane.

Paramedic: So, you caught a giant peanut that has arms and legs, is wearing gloves, shoes, a top hat, a monocle, and it has a cane.

Snake: Yeah, that's about it.

Paramedic: ………Uh, Snake could you hold on a sec?

Snake: Sure.

" _Sigint! We got a problem; I think Snake's finally gone nuts! " _ (No pun intended.)

" _What? What'd he do now? Find a way to take off his pants?"_

" _No! He said he caught a giant peanut, a giant walking peanut."_

" _What!?! Oh, man, I knew he had issues after that whole "the box is my destiny." Thing. But walking nuts?!?"_

" _What do we do?"_

" _Well uh…is he showing any other signs of insanity? Incoherent speech, muscle spasms, voices in his head?"_

" _Not that I know of."_

" _Good, that's a minor relief, I think for now, we should just humor him you know? Make sure he stays on the mission and we'll deal with this after it's all over."_

" _You really think this is the best thing to do?"_

"_Well I think it's the most logical thing to do, look, as long as it doesn't jeopardize the mission, it should be fine. Remember those Russian glowcaps?" _

" _Yeah, I guess you're right."_

"_Good, now go on, do your thing."_

"_Got it."_

Snake: What took you so long?

Paramedic: I was errr…checking my guide! Yeah that's it! For your…nut.

Snake: And?

Paramedic: Well err, what you have right there is a…um…a "GriantWelrkinpannot". It's Russian for "Giant walking peanut". It mainly thrives in jungles in Russia, and is commonly found wearing gloves, shoes, a monocle and a top hat. And carrying a cane. Yeah, that's it.

Snake: I see…so, how does it taste?

Paramedic: Welllllll…the guide doesn't say.

Snake: Damn, but it should be edible right? I mean it is a peanut and all.

Paramedic: Uh well…I…guess so.

Snake: Good, thanks Paramedic, you've been a great help.

Paramedic: Err, well, no problem…(Signs off)

Snake: Hmm, all that talking has made me hungry. (Stares at Mr. Peanut in cage who has just woken up and is smiling at him.) I guess now's a better time then any. (Opens up the cage and proceeds to eat Mr. Peanut…ALIVE as his smile quickly degenerates into a more horrified and helpless expression as his insides (all two parts (or three if you're lucky) of them) are slowly eaten away.)

Very good stamina recovery.

Snake: Tasty. (Stares at Monocle and top hat left behind.) Hmm…

Five minutes later…

Snake: (Uses Radio.)

Sigint: ……Err, Snake. What's with the Monocle and the hat?

End chapter


	4. Leprechaun

Disclaimer: There are conspiracies everywhere; the whole world is a conspiracy! Even now, my egg salad is plotting against me…oh, and I don't own Metal Gear Solid.

A/N: This chapter could have a R rating for the heavy swearing. (You'll see.)

Chapter 4: Leprechaun

Snake: (Uses radio) Paramedic, I know that you told me several times before the mission not to resort to cannibalism for my survival. But I am seriously starving right now, and there's really nothing to eat at all! Trust me, I looked, anyway I REALLY checked EVERYWHERE but there's really nothing else to eat so I…

Paramedic: Oh my god. Snake, please tell me that you did not just ate a Russian Soldier.

Snake: What? No! No, of course not! (Haven't seen any yet anyway...) But you see, I caught this midget, and the thing is, it's looks human but I not really sure it is.

Paramedic: You caught a midget?

Snake: Yeah but the thing is, I think it's too small to be a human. The thing doesn't even reach to my knees!

Paramedic: Snake, midgets have been known to be less then a foot in height

Snake: Yeah well, but I'm REALLY hungry…

Paramedic: Snake, you know I don't condone cannibalism.

Snake: Give me a break paramedic, I don't really have much stamina left, isn't the mission more important?

Paramedic: Well……

???: Let me go! Let me go ye filthy cur!

Paramedic: Is that him?

Snake: What? Oh, yeah. That's the midget. Anyway, just give me your blessings and I'll eat the damn thing.

Paramedic: Wait! I want to talk to it first before I give you any of my…uh "blessings".

Snake: Is that really necessary?

Paramedic: Yes, I'm pretty sure it is Snake.

Snake: Aww, Fine, just let me put the radio on it. (A few minutes pass in silence except for the occasional " _Unhand me ye stupid monkey!" _and _"Hold still! Bitch!")_

???: I said let m…oooo, now ye a fine one, young missy.

Paramedic: Err, yeah thanks. Are you the midget?

???: Nay! Midget I am not! I, am an Irish Leprechaun!

Paramedic: Leprechaun? Aren't those just a myth?

???: Are they now? Am I not standing before you now? In my green boots? My green coat? And my green pants? I have me some green underpants too, here ye can se…

Paramedic: NO! I mean I'm convinced! Yeah! Uh, do you have a name?

???: Aye young missy. Alas, my true name is but a tad long. Me friends call me Bill though.

Paramedic: Well Bill, do you realize that my socially and culturally inapt friend over there is planning eat you?

Bill: Eat me! Nay! Nay! He can't! He can't! Young Missy ye must help me!

Paramedic: Well I can't say I can do much from this end.

Bill: Please! Please! Young Missy! Ye must help me! I'll tell ye what. If ye can convince ye…"friend" not to eat me. I'll give ye me pot of gold.

Paramedic: ………A pot of gold?

Bill: Aye young missy.

Paramedic: Pure…gold?

Bill: Only but the finest!

Paramedic: Right there in Russia?

Bill: Is but a five minute walk from where we are, I can lead ye "friend" to it.

Paramedic: And all I have to do is tell my friend not to eat you?

Bill: That is the deal young missy.

Paramedic: Wellllllll……if you could put him on again , I'll see what I can do.

Bill: Ye have my thanks young missy, just wait a few moments.

" _So can I eat you now?"_

"_The young missy wants to talk to ye, ye smelly oaf."_

" _Grrr, this better be to tell me how you taste."_

Snake: yeah, so? Is he edible?

Paramedic: Snake, listen to me.

Snake: You know, forgot it, it doesn't really matter what you tell me, I'm just gonna eat him anyw…

Paramedic: SNAKE! You absolutely canNOT eat him!

Snake: What! Why?

Paramedic: Well…because my guide says so.

Snake: Your guide has information on it?

Paramedic: Yeah, What you have there is uh……a "Lettalegreaenmenan", it's Russian for "little green man". It's commonly found in Russian jungles and is really really poisonous.

Snake: Poisonous?

Paramedic: yes, poisonous.

Snake: How poisonous? Because you know, I've eaten King Cobras and stuff without any problems.

Paramedic: Well, err…once you eat him, you'll get a very bad headache, then a very very bad stomachache, then a very very VERY bad case of the runs, and then you'll die.

Snake: ………Really?

Paramedic: Yes, really.

Snake: Great, just great. Now I'm just gonna sit here and starve to death.

Paramedic: Snake, are you absolutely sure there's no food anywhere? I mean, it is a jungle.

Snake: Yes, I've checked thoroughly.

Paramedic: Hmmmm……

Snake: Well, I do have those Russian rations…

Paramedic: GOOD! EAT THOSE!

Snake: But they taste horrible! I mean they taste worse then spoilt vampire bats!

Paramedic: Snake, your survival depends on it, so eat it!

Snake: Grrr, fine, fine, I'll eat them.

Paramedic: Good, and after you do, I want you to listen to the little green man's instructions.

Snake: What?!? You still want me to keep him!?!

Paramedic: Yes! Snake listen, that little green man is going to lead you to something really important, so I want you to go exactly where he tells you to go to. Do you understand snake?

Snake: mpttbudf. (A/N: If you don't know, Snake's grumbling, I just don't know how to type grumbling noises.)

Paramedic: I said do you understand Snake?

Snake: Yeah, yeah, I understand.

Paramedic: Good, don't fail me now Snake.

Snake: mpttbudf……(Signs off)

ONE HOUR LATER…

Russian Soldier: Он - там! Получите его!

Snake: Shit! Persistent bastards…(Radio starts beeping) Who is this?

Paramedic: Snake! It' been over an hour! What happened?

Snake: Paramedic, can this wait? I'm in the middle of a firefight right now. (Shoots a few bullets at the Russian guards.)

Paramedic: Snake, where's the Leprechaun?

Snake: Who? (Fires more bullets)

Paramedic: The little green guy!

Snake: What? Oh him, I ate him.

Paramedic: YOU WHAT?

Snake: Well yeah, I figured that if your guide was wrong about those ural luminescent mushrooms, it could be wrong about this. And you know what? Your guide was wrong, he was pretty tasty. Thank god for that too, if not, I would have really eaten those Russian rations.

Paramedic: WHAT!!?! Then what about my pot of gold?!?!

Snake: Pot of gold? Oh THAT pot of gold, yeah, I found it.

Paramedic: You did?!?! Oh thank you Snake! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Snake: Don't mentio…SHIT!

"_Стреляйте его! Стреляйте его!"_

" _I said leave me alone you bastards!" (Throws something at them)_

"_Добейтесь ого-го! Золото! Золото! Товарищ большое спасибо!" (The Soldiers leave)_

Snake: Well that took care of them.

Paramedic: What did you do?

Snake: I threw some gold pieces at them; those things work great at distracting guards, even when they already notice you.

Paramedic: Oh good for you, I didn't know gold was standard-issue……waitaminute, WAS THAT FROM MY POT OF GOLD?!?!?!

Snake: Yeah it was, you know, you don't have to shout, I can hear you just fine.

Paramedic: WHAT?!?!!?! Then how much is left?

Snake: Err, let me check. (a few moments of scuffling through.) Well I think that was the last of it

Paramedic:……the last of it?

Snake: Yeah, well, I still have the pot though.

Paramedic: ………………………………………

Snake: Paramedic?

Paramedic: YOU FUCKING BASTARD! YOU STUPID SHITBAG! THAT WAS MY GOLD! MINE! HOW COULD YOU JUST DO THAT TO MY GOLD! YOU STUPID SONOVABITCH!!!

Snake; Whoa! Jesus! Paramedic, calm down!

Paramedic: YOU WANT ME TO CLAM DOWN AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO MY GOLD! YOU ASSHOLE! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE JUST DID YOU #&&$($&#&&&#&#&&#$&&#&$$###&#&#$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snake: Look, I'm sorry! Okay?

Paramedic: #$#&$##$##$##&$$##&$#$&#&$#&#&#$&$#…

Snake: Hey! That was uncalled for!

Paramedic: &#&$&((&&#&&$&#&&$(&#&(&#&&#&(&$&&((&(…HURK! (Faints.)

Snake: ………….Paramedic? You alright?

Paramedic: ………………

Snake: You still there?

Paramedic:………

Snake: I need to get back to the mission now, so err…yeah. (Signs off)

Paramedic: ………

End chapter

_Он - там! Получите его! – _He's over that! Get him!

Стреляйте его! Стреляйте его! - Shoot him! Shoot him!

_Добейтесь ого-го! Золото! Золото! Товарищ большое спасибо! _– Woo Hoo! Gold! Gold! Many thanks comrade!

A/N: Whew! Longest chapter yet, I know that it's not really focusing on food but I just couldn't get this out of my head so I typed it down. I know Paramedic might be a bit OOC in this chapter but hey, I think losing a whole pot of gold is enough to make her snap.


	5. Stonefish

Disclaimer: I seriously doubt this is even necessary since I don't think anyone from Konami is reading this. And even if they were, all they'd get if they sued were my pants.

Chapter 5: Stonefish

Snake: (Uses radio) Sigint, is paramedic still mad at me?

Sigint: Well, when she woke up a few minutes after she fainted, she started cursing and swearing about losing her pot or something. The Major tried to calm her down but then she went ballistic and started throwing things at him. So we had to restrain her with a strait jacket.

Snake: That bad, huh?

Sigint: It could've been worse if you ask me, then we tried talking to her, after she stopped foaming in the mouth that is, but she couldn't stop laughing and then she started whispering to herself. Something about "plotting to make midget-eater eat his own genitals.". Someone you know?

Snake: Doesn't ring a bell.

Sigint: So we tried reasoning with her with no results, so the major had her confine to a padded cell. Congratulations Snake, I think you've officially made Paramedic crazy.

Snake: Damn…I guess that means I can't ask her for help or save anymore then?

Sigint: Well normally, that would be the case, but guess what? You're in luck snake!

Snake: I am?

Sigint: Yeah, you see, there's this process that I've been devising called "Selective Brainwashing", It's still in the early stages but I suggested to the Major that I could use it to cure Paramedic.

Snake: How does it work?

Sigint: Well, it basically involved a whole lot of tranquilizers, some lemon-scented shampoo, a couple of motivational tapes and the Major's impersonation of James Bond.

Snake: Did it work? Is she okay?

Sigint: Well, as far as I know, we managed to erase the part of her memory that involves the whole "pot" incident; she still remembers everything else though, so yeah I guess it was successful.

Snake: Great, can I talk to her? I need to ask her something.

Sigint: Well…I don't see any reason you couldn't, but just remember; we just finished the whole process 15 minutes ago, so she might be a little…whacked, It should wear off eventually though.

Snake: Got it.

Sigint; I'll put her on.

"_Who is it?"_

" _It's Snake, he wants to you."_

" _OOOO!!!! Snake wants to talk to me!!!!!!!!! So Kawalli!!!!!!!!!!!"_

" _Errr, yeah, here."_

" _What's wrong Sigint? Come over here, let me give you a nice big hug!"_

" _Uh no thanks, I'm just gonna leave the room now."_

Paramedic: Oh, Siggy, you're always so tens-HI!!!! Snake!!!! How are you!!!!!

Snake: Err, I'm fine. Are you okay?

Paramedic: Oh yeah! Yeah! I'm fine! But they just finished the whole head-cleaning thing you know? So I'm feeling a little light-headed!!!

Snake: Umm, okay. Listen, I caught this fish.

Paramedic: OH! SO KAWALLI!!!!!! That's a stonefish! It's so Kawalli!!! Look!! I think it's looking at me! SO KAWALLI!!!!!!

Snake: ……okayyyy, so how does it taste?

Paramedic: Oh, it's really really good!!! Yeah, you know, I had it in a restaurant once and it was the most delicious thing I had ever ate!!! And more importantly…IT'S SO KAWALLI!!!!!!!

Snake: (Stares at stonefish in hand), Uh, you sure?

Paramedic: Yeah! Yeah! Don't worry! Hey! You know what? You should eat it with those yellow-striped leaves you found a while back!

Snake: I thought you said those were poisonous.

Paramedic: Well, yeah it is. But if you wrap the stonefish with the leaves, because the stonefish is so kawalli. It will neutralize the poison!

Snake: Really?

Paramedic: Yeah! Just use the leaves to wrap up the stonefish, you know? Like a Burrito? And presto! You have a delicious snack you can eat on the go! So Kawalli!!!

Snake: Err, okay, I'll take your word for it.

Paramedic: Good! Good! Listen, I have to go now! Catch you later Snakey! (Signs off)

Snake: …Snakey? (Stares at Stonefish.)

**Flashback**

**Paramedic: Yeah! Just use the leaves to wrap up the stonefish, you know? Like a Burrito? And presto! You have a delicious snack you can eat on the go! So Kawalli!!!**

**End Flashback**

Snake: (Wraps up stonefish with the leaves) ……Just like a Burrito. (Eats Stonefish Burrito.)

**Stonefish _(Synanceia sp.)_**

Stonefish are found in warm coastal waters throughout the world, and may be described as the world's most dangerous stinging fish. Thirteen dorsal spines project from venom glands along their back such that venom is involuntarily expelled when the spine is pressed upon. The sting is extremely painful and swelling rapidly develops. The severity of the symptoms is related to the depth of penetration of the spines and the number of spines involved. Systemic effects of the venom may include muscle weakness, paralysis and shock.

And they're also really ugly motherfuckers, but enough of that, let's get back to the story.

Five minutes later…

Russian Soldier number 1: Эй, Вы знаете, что автор фактически не знает, как говорить по-русски? Он только использует переводчика онлайн.

Russian Soldier number 2: Никакое дерьмо? Я всегда думал, что распутник был слишком глуп, чтобы изучить второй язык!

(They both start laughing)

" **OH GAWDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

Russian Soldier number 1: Что трахание было этим!?!?

Russian Soldier number 2: Ак! Дьявол прибыл в нашу родину! Управляемый для вашего товарища жизней! (They both run away.)

Snake: (Lying on the ground writhing in pain) IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SOMEONE KILL ME NOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! STOP THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Pain: (Walks over to Snake and starts poking him with a stick.) Hehe, Pain! (Runs off)

Snake: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

" _Oh, and Sigint? Your "selective brainwashing" didn't work."_

" _What!?! But the pot incid…"_

" _I got over it."_

End Chapter 

Эй, Вы знаете, что автор фактически не знает, как говорить по-русски? Он только использует переводчика онлайн. –Hey did you know the author doesn't actually know how to speak Russian? He's just using an online Translator.

Никакое дерьмо? Я всегда думал, что распутник был слишком глуп, чтобы изучить второй язык! - No shit? I always thought that fucker was too stupid to learn a second language!

Что трахание было этим!?!?- What the fuck was that!?!?

Ак! Дьявол прибыл в нашу родину! Управляемый для вашего товарища жизней! – Ack! The Devil has come to our motherland! Run for your lives comrade!

Kawalli- Cute, I'm not sure whether I spelt it right though.

A/N: If this chapter sucks, I'm sorry. I'm having a bit of writer's block right now. Finding things for Snake to eat is harder then I thought it would be.


	6. Horse

What do you get when you cross a stripper with a Snake?

Naked Snake!

_Crickets Chirping…_

Bah! Be that way for all I care!

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid.

Chapter 6: Horse

Snake: (Uses Radio) urgg……Par…medi…

Paramedic: Jesus! Snake, what the hell happened to you?

Snake: I…ate…the boss's…ass…

Paramedic: You what!?!

Snake: erghhh………

**Flashback**

(It's the beginning of the Snake Eater Mission and Snake has just landed in the Russian Jungle.)

Snake: (Is walking around cautiously.)

???: Neigh!

Snake: What was that? (Walks over to the source of the sound and finds a horse.)

Horse: Neigh!

Snake: (Walks over to the Horse slowly, and begins to pet it.)

Horse: Snort! 

Snake: (Smiles for a few moments at the Horse before opening his mouth and…)

5 minutes later…

The Boss: (Reaches the area) Jack, you're sti-OH MY GOD!

Snake: (Was eating the Horse but looks up at her, still with some meat in his mouth.) Bohish, (Stare at half-eaten horse) Ishi thish yourish? I didish Menish to! I thught it whas wld!

The Boss: You fucking…stupid…. bastard! (Walks over to snake and begins to lay the CQC smack-down on him.) Do you have (punches him in the face.) ANY (Breaks his fingers.) idea how much that (kicks him in the shins) damn thing COST? (Elbows him in the stomach.)

Snake: Oof! (Gets the air knocked out of him.)

The Boss: Feeding it, (Steps on his toes.), keeping it's mane silky, (Bites his ears.), and most of all, IMPORTING IT TO THIS DAMN COUNTRY! (Dislocate his shoulders) DO YOU THINK HORSES GROW IN RUSSIA JACK? (Knees him in the groin.)

Snake: Argh! (Gets half his ribs broken.)

The Boss: YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD! (Finishes off by throwing Snake to the ground.)

Snake: Ohhhhhh… (It starts raining, and Snake looks up and sees the Sorrow with his one good (Read: Barely functional) eye standing next to the Boss holding a sign that reads: "You were **SO **asking for it.")

The Boss: (Notices Snake's jet pod and begins shooting at it, causing it to explode, then she turns her attention back to Snake.) DIE BITCH! (Begins shooting at him.)

Snake: ……… ((Presumably) playing dead)

The Boss: DIE! (Continues shooting.)

Snake: ……………

The Boss: (Continues firing)

Snake: ………………

Much **MUCH **later…

Click!

The Boss: (Inspect now miraculously empty Patriot.) Faulty piece of shit! (Stares at Snake's body unbelievably still intact for a few moments before walking off) Great! Now I'm going to have to walk all the way to the base! Stupid shitbag…(Walks off)

Snake: ……………….

Five minutes later…

Snake: ………………..Ohhh………(Uses Radio.)

**End Flashback**

Paramedic: Oh, so THAT'S what happened. Oh and Snake, The term 'ass' is used to describe a Donkey, not a Horse.

Snake: Arggg……

Paramedic: You know Snake, I can't believe you. How could you eat such a beautiful and noble creature such as a horse?

Snake: uhhh………

Paramedic: I mean sure, when you eat a rat or a fish I can understand that but horse are such wonderful animals!

Snake: ohhh………

Paramedic: And you know what Snake? I hate to say it but to a certain extent, you deserved what you got.

Snake: ……par…med…dic…

Paramedic: Yes?

Snake; …need…medi..cal…atten…ion…

Paramedic: oh yeah right, let me check through your wounds first.

Five minutes later…

Paramedic: Gee, I think I have to take back what I said about you deserving this Snake.

Snake: Urghhhhh………

Paramedic: 127 broken bones… 546 deep cuts… Cracked Skull, Severed arteries, Punctured lungs, crushed balls, not to mention all those bullet wounds! Christ Snake, you were better off during the Virtuous mission, and you fell off a cliff than!

Snake: Ugrrrr………

Paramedic: You know Snake, when I said that your eating habits were going to be the death of you someday. Somehow, this wasn't how I envisioned it to be like.

Snake: S…o…Wha…at…now…?

Paramedic: Well Snake, I'll be frank. I have bad news, worse news and worst news.

Snake: …ba…d…

Paramedic: You should be dead by now. I can bet you a trillion bucks that any other person in your shoes, well hypothetically speaking of course since I don't think you'll be wearing any shoes for a while with those mangled feet of yours, would have passed on long ago.

Snake: …W…or…se…

Paramedic: You're still alive, and I'm not trained to handle wounds these extensive. Heck, I don't think any Doctor in the world is trained to handle wounds this extensive. If it were any other person, my advice to them would be to just sit back, and wait to die.

Snake: …wo…r…st…

Paramedic: You don't have that luxury. You're on a very important mission right now that involves the fate of the world and its future. There can be no room for failure. So I'm afraid you're just going to have to suck it up, open up that SURVIVAL viewer of yours, patch up your wounds as best as you can and continue on with the mission.

Snake: ……shi…t…

Paramedic: Oh, it's not all THAT bad. I'll be here to guide you through the whole thing Snake.

Snake: …I…hat…e…th…is…job…

Paramedic: Oh quit whining! I'll tell you what; we'll start with your damaged testicles. First, you take your knife, and SLOWLY cut away the…

End Chapter

A/N: Snake-Bashing seems to be becoming quite a usual occurrence in this fic. Ah, well he's a fun character to abuse. I would also like to thank all my reviewers for their support and for any suggestions they may have contributed. Keep'em coming!


	7. Great White Shark

I can't see shit that's not within three inches of my face right now. I'm typing this chapter with my nose pressed against the screen. Even now, I can feel my eyesight slowly deteriorating. And remember, this is all for you dear readers! So please Read and Review!

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid. If I did, the game would take on a more "Iron Chef" type of theme and you would be able to eat anything. It wouldn't be as good I think but hey, you can't have your cake and eat it right? (Snake: I disagree.)

Chapter 7: Great White Shark

Snake: Paramedic, there are these really big fishes swimming around in the swamp.

Paramedic: Really? That's strange, according to the guide. The biggest fish in that area is the arowana.

Snake: The what?

Paramedic: Ancient fish.

Snake: Oh yeah, those were tasty. They're bigger then that though. They're bigger then those crocodiles too.

Paramedic: Bigger then the Indian gavial? I don't know what type of fish you're talking about. Could you describe it?

Snake: Well, err…let's see…well…they're big…they're fish…they have fins…any ideas?

Paramedic: You're not helping Snake.

Snake: Okay, let me think, …err well; they have this really big fin that sticks out of the water.

Paramedic: Hmmm…colorations?

Snake: Well, the topside of the fish is somewhat grayish. And its belly is white. Oh! And I saw a Russian soldier try to swim across the swamp and they ate him so I think… (Snake's Brain: Must…end…with…brilliant…logical deduction.) They're related to the white-rump vulture. (Snake's Brain: Score!)

Paramedic: ……Fishes aren't related to birds at all.

Snake: …oh. (Snake's Brain: Crap.)

Paramedic: But anyway, I think I know what that fish is, even though I have no idea how it ended up in a swamp of all places.

Snake: What is it?

Paramedic: It's a…

Snake: Wait, hold on a minute.

Paramedic: Huh?

_Russian Soldier no 1: (Notices Snake who is on the opposite side of the swamp.) There he is! Get him! (A/N: Just pretend this is Russian. The whole real Russian thing was getting old. Plus, I think my translator was whacked.)_

_Snake: Come and get me you stupid moron!. (Pulls down his pants and moons the Soldier.)_

_Russian Soldier no 2: He's mocking us! The American Bastard must die!_

_Russian Soldier no 3 who is technically not from Russia but from Germany so if you want to be fussy then he's German Soldier no 1: Charge!_

_(Russian Soldier no 1, Russian Soldier no 2, and Russian Soldier no 3 who is technically not from Russia but from Germany so if you want to be fussy then he's German Soldier no 1 start swimming across the swamp.)_

_Snake: Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun DUN DUN! Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun…_

Russian Soldier no 1: What the hell is he sayi… ARGH!!!!! SOMETHING'S GOT MY LEGS!!!!!! (Gets pulled under.)

Russian Soldier no 2: What the fuc-ARGH!!!! (Gets pulled under)

_Russian Soldier no 3 who is technically not from Russia but from Germany so if you want to be fussy then he's German Soldier no 1: (Panics and tries to swim back) Mein Gott! (Gets pulled under.)_

_(A moment passes, and then all three Soldiers suddenly resurface and are each pulled across the water for a few minutes.)_

_Snake: This is almost serene._

_Russian Soldier no 1: ARGHH!!!!!!!!!! (Gets pulled under again.)_

_Russian Soldier no 2: ARGHH!!!!!!!!!! (Gets pulled under again.)_

_Russian Soldier no 3 who is technically not from Russia but from Germany so if you want to be fussy then he's German Soldier no 1 but if you want to be even fussier, he was born in Germany but raised in France all his life until he came to Russia to become a Soldier so if you want to be technical he's German-born France-Raised Came-to-Russia-to-became-soldier Soldier no1: Sacre Bleu! (Gets pulled under again.)_

_(Three separate pools of blood appear signifying the show is over.)_

Snake: Well that was fun, you were saying.

Paramedic: …Uh right. Those fishes are great white sharks.

Snake: Great White What?

Paramedic: Great White Sharks, They're one of the largest fishes in the world. They're also carnivorous. But the real question is, what are they doing all the way out in Russia?

Snake: Maybe they migrated. You know like birds do when it gets colder

Paramedic: I don't think so Snake.

Snake: So, how do they taste?

Paramedic: …You're actually planning to try to kill one?

Snake: Yeah.

Paramedic: Even after seeing what they did to those Russian Soldiers?

Snake: Yeah.

Paramedic: And you actually think you can do it?

Snake: I think I got a good shot, yeah.

Paramedic; Snake, these are nature's killer machine.

Snake: That's interesting.

Paramedic: Ugh! I give up!

Snake: ……

Paramedic: …I hear the fins are good eating.

Snake: Great! Thanks Paramedic! (Signs off.)

Paramedic: Unbelievable…

15 Minutes later…

Snake: Ugh…Paramedic…

Paramedic: So Snake, how are you?

Snake: not…so good…

Paramedic: I'll say, you look like hell. Let me guess, you got into the water and tried to kill and eat them but you ended up almost being eaten yourself and only managed to escape with serious injuries. Am I right?

Snake: Actually…I killed and ate them all…pretty tasty by the way, without…a scratch.

Paramedic: WHAT? Then what the hell happened to you?

Snake: Apparently…Horses…weren't…the only thing…the Boss…Imported…to Russia…

**FLASHBACK**

The Boss: WHAT (Breaks his jaw.) THE (pokes his eyes) FUCK (Shatters his spine.) IS (Pinches his nipples.) WRONG (pulls his hair.) WITH (Knees his groin…again.) YOU!!!! (Throws him into the Swamp.)

Snake: Ohhh…(It starts raining and Snake looks up into the Sky and sees the Sorrow laughing so hard, blood starts coming out of his eyes.)

The Boss: I'm not done with you yet! (Starts swimming towards him.)

Snake: Shit…

END FLASHBACK 

Paramedic: Whoa, so what happened next?

Snake: An Indian Gavial…pulled me away from the Boss… and tried to eat me.

Paramedic: Lucky break, huh?

Snake: Very…lucky…I don't know what…might had happened…if the Boss had gotten to me…again… she crushed my balls again…

Paramedic; Ouch, need help?

Snake: I think…I can manage…it's not as bad…as the last time…

Paramedic: You know… I think there's a lesson to learn from this whole thing.

Snake: What?

Paramedic: If something is where it's not supposed to be, don't eat it.

Snake: …What…kind of…screwed-up lesson is…that?

Paramedic: One you would do well to remember, Snake.

Snake: Urgh…

Paramedic: …Hey Snake, have you ever seen the movie "Jaws"?

Snake: no…

Paramedic: Well, me neither, it hasn't even been released yet. Toodles. (Signs off)

End Chapter

A/N: Bear with me please if I take a long time to post. I'm not a writer and I'm only human. Thanks for your support. Great white Sharks aren't normally very aggressive by the way. So don't get the wrong idea of them. They 're my favorite animals next to giant tortoise and Lungfish.


	8. Monkeys

**EDITED**- To anybody who noticed, I had to take off this chapter briefly to change something. 's document manager was really screwy and it totally ruined an aspect of this chapter. Sorry about the delay.

Fucking hell, my fucking school term fucking started and it's been fucking taking up most of my fucking time (Note my cursing to show the full extent of my anger). Anyway, sorry that this was taking so long. I had writer's block (and see fucking above). I planned to write a new chapter a few days ago, but I caught a fever and spent the 2 days or so writhing and frothing in pain. Well I'm back (for now), so I'll try to promise you updates even if they may not be as quick.

First off, I like to thanks my readers for their support and for some of their "interesting" selection of entrées for Snake. DarkFusion especially for his Bigfoot idea (got those gears running) might write about that in future. Thank you all.

Second off, …I don't think there's anything else. On to the story! (If you can call it that.)

Chapter 8: M-GAH!!!!!!! (Gets beaten up by angry Konami lawyers.)

Disclaimer: (Nursing a bruise) I don't own metal gear solid, so piss off already.

A/N:If this looks like I'm just delaying the story, it may be, or it may not be, who know? Oh look! My word count is over a 100! Kuwabara, Kuwabara…(Several anonymous reviewers throw stones at the author.) Fine I'll stop screwing around. (By the way, I'm including what might be a spoiler (it's true, Hideo Kojima confirmed.) about Ocelot. It's just that for Humor's sake so hope nobody minds.)

Also adding something new.

(underlined words)- Character's thoughts. (Probably won't be used often, will have to see)

Chapter 8: Monkeys

Snake: Colonel.

Campbell: Ah Snake! How goes the Monkey Catching?

Snake: Yeah about that, listen, could you put Paramedic on?

Campbell: What? Why? She's not necessary for the mission.

Snake: Could you just do it?

Campbell: Fine, but this better not interfere with your objectives.

_A couple of "I need Scissors! 69!" and a "Time for your meds, Colonel." later…_

Paramedic: You called Snake?

Snake: Yeah, well the thing is I've been doing this monkey-catching business for about 5 hours now.

Paramedic: So?

Snake: And I'm getting hungry.

Paramedic: And? (This isn't going to end well…)

Snake: And there's nothing t…hold on a second (One "**GOTCHA!" **later) anyway, there's nothing to eat.

Paramedic: Yes?( I can see where this is going.)

Snake; Well, except for the…

Paramedic: Let me guess, the monkeys, and you want to know how they taste. (What else could there be?)

Snake: Whoa, since when could you read minds?

Paramedic: I can't, it's just pretty obvious. Besides, you can't read what isn't there.

Snake: Hey! I resent that!()

Paramedic: You were saying?

Snake: Oh yeah right. So, how do they taste? I mean I've seen other monkeys before, and these apes don't look at all like them.

Paramedic: That's because they've been genetically altered in a lab Snake.

Snake: What?

Paramedic: (Sighs…) Do you really think you should go around eating these monkeys when you should be catching them for the Colonel?

Snake: Well, I've already caught a couple hundred or so. I figured they could stand to lose a monkey or two.

Paramedic: That's not the point Snake.

Snake; Come on Paramedic, There nothing else and my Stamina's getting low. I can't complete a mission on an empty stamina bar can I?

Paramedic: Well technically you could, it's just that the screen gets really dark and you don't move as well and your aim gets all screwy…

Snake: See what I mean?

Paramedic: Well, don't you have those Russian rations?

Snake instinctively throws them off the cliff; they fall rapidly towards a river and hit Ocelot on the head while he was skinny-dipping causing him to get knocked out and allowing him to see the Sorrow. They have a long Father-Son talk before the Sorrow kills his own Son (gasp!) allowing him to wake up in the real world (dude…) but unfortunately, not in time to prevent himself from drowning, therefore causing him to die, thereby creating a Time Paradox! Which means I should just stop writing here. (Readers: Booo!!!) Fine! The Rations fall and hit a couple of Indian gavials that just happened to be resting. They die in vain, no time paradoxes are created, and the story goes on. (Readers: Yay!)

Snake: Nope, I wasn't given anything.

Paramedic: Isn't there anything at all?

Snake: No. (Well, there is all this tree bark, green leaves, tree frogs, gray rats, European rabbits, giant reticulated pythons, those really big juicy fruits that hanging off just about every tree and that "ALL YOU CAN EAT AND EAT AND EAT FOR FREE!" buffet restaurant that's a couple of blocks off from here. But damn, I'm not that desperate yet!)

Paramedic: Fine! Fine! Eat a monkey or two! Just don't tell the Colonel.

Snake: So are they edible?

Paramedic: Don't know. But hey, you ate a Stonefish before and pulled through. A couple of mutant monkeys can't be that bad. (Only one way to find out.)

Snake: Yeah.

Paramedic: Anything else?

Snake: Nope.

Paramedic: If you say so.( I have a very very bad feeling about this…) (Signs off)

Snake: (Equips his monkey shaker (puts you in a monkey-catching mood!) and spies a lone monkey in the bushes. He shoots it, paralyzing it, and approaches the now immobilized ape.)

Of course, the mutant monkey (Let's just call him Al, so you'll grow more attached to him) with his genetically enhanced brain already knew what was going to happen to him. He was returning to the lab. But hey, that wasn't so bad. Al was getting tired of the jungle life anywhere. A life of free food, comfy bedding, and carefree days of fun were soon awaiting him. Besides, he could always escape again if he grew tired of the lab. So hey, it wasn't really all that bad for Al…

WARNING!!! A PARAGRAPH OF GRAPHIC VIOLENCE AWAITS!!!!!!!!!!! But if you've read this far, you probably wouldn't care any less.

But that wasn't happening. And Al could only in horror as the hairless ape move closer to him. Mouth ajar, a crazed, hungered look in its eyes. The effects of the shot still firmly in place. Al was powerless to do anything, not even to scream as the hairless ape bit through his arm, tearing through fur, flesh and meat. Before moving on to his other arm, then his legs, chest, neck. Until all that was left of Al was his funky metal helmet smeared with his blood, and that was mainly because Snake couldn't eat it. The last thing that Al saw was the hideously grotesque mouth (think Jaws) heading towards his eyeballs before all…went…dark.

A/N: I personally do not condone eating or torturing monkeys or for that matter any animal. If I hear any of you readers doing this. I'll personally come over there and slap you silly. Right before I eat your face of course, because tenderizing really makes all the difference.

Snake: Mmmm…tasty. (Turns and stares at the remaining monkeys who are now shaking…trembling…VIBRATING WITH FEAR AT SEEING ONE OF THEIR OWN KIND VICIOUSLY DEVOURED!) Still hungry…

Meanwhile…

Paramedic: What's wrong Colonel?

Campbell: I have this really bad feeling…

Paramedic: The worst is behind you Colonel, those Hemorrhoids aren't going to bother you anymore.

Campbell: No it's not that, I'm just not sure that Snake was the right man for the job. Maybe I should have gotten Gab, or Sam.

Paramedic: Oh I'm sure Snake is doing fine.

Colonel: Really?

Paramedic: Yep, just… fine. (Who am I kidding?)

At the same time…

Monkeys: OO!!!! OOO!!!!!! AH!!!!! AH!!!! AH!!!! (Are running off in random directions)

Snake: Run run run little monkeys, because I'm gonna…EATCHA!!! (Runs off after them)

END

Total number of monkeys: 1000

Number of monkeys captured: 246

Number of monkeys eaten: 174

Number of monkeys who went back willingly to the lab: 580

Number of monkeys refused entry due to the lab being overloaded: 80

Number of monkeys who committed suicide: 80

Number of monkeys named Al: 1


	9. Bigfoot

Hey all, sorry for not updating for so long. Here's the new chapter.

But first, a prelude…

**SIDE-STORY: Snake tells a joke.**

Snake: Hey Paramedic, what do you get when you cross a monkey with a Bungee cord?

Paramedic: ……What?

Snake: My ass.

In the silence, a child starts crying… 

Paramedic: I'm not speaking to you anymore.

**END**

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid or Konami. But just you wait; I'll sleep my way to the top.

Chapter 9: Bigfoot (or is it?)

Unknown: GWARW! GEWARW!

Paramedic: Okay, what the heck did you catch this time?

Snake: I'm not sure myself. Looks like some sort of Bear, only it's thinner and really really Hairy. Think Major Zero in his youth and you have a pretty clear picture.

Unknown: GAWRE! GAEERAW!

Paramedic: Okay, and where did you find it?

Snake: On a trail in the Jungle, I was stalking it and the damn thing spotted me. I shot it in the eye with a dart and it started firing these laser beams at me, I had to…

Unknown: GAWTAE! HAOWH!

Paramedic: Hold on, laser beams?

Unknown: GEAWWAT! GAWAWRE!

Snake: Yeah, it had this really strange crossbow that fired laser beams. Took 9 direct headshots from the M9 to bring it down, before I could trap it in a cage.

Paramedic: Snake, are you sure it isn't just some really hairy Russian Soldier?

Snake: … I don't think so, and I don't think "geawwat", "gawawre" is Russian either.

Unknown: WAWEGR! WAWAHWG!

Paramedic: Wow, it sounds angry.

Unknown: HOAWR! GWARRRR!

Snake: Yeah, I guess 9 darts to the cranium could do that to you.

Paramedic: Hmm…

Unknown: RAWRAR! WAORRR!

Snake: And being stuck in a cage really gets to you too.

Paramedic: I guess…

Unknown: WAOREWEIRH!

Snake: That, and having your arm eaten off could really make you lose your temper.

Paramedic: Good po-YOU ATE IT'S ARM!

Snake: I was getting hungry, and hey, I had to start somewhere.

Paramedic: …Somehow Snake, you never cease to surprise me.

Snake: Yeah and hey, you know what the weird part is? I was expecting it to be really tough and Stringy. But it was really…chewy.

Paramedic: Chewy?

Snake: Yeah you know, like where you bite into a caramel filled chocolate? Except I think it was tendons I was biting into…

Paramedic: Okay, that's just Weird, and very disturbing.

Unknown: GAWRAE! WROWHR!

Snake: Shut up! Or I'll eat more of you!

Unknown: Gawrarr…….

Paramedic: Did it just obey you?

Snake: Yeah, it seems like this thing understands human speech. Can't understand the crap it's spewing out though.

Paramedic: …Snake, Maybe you should just let it go.

Unknown: Gwawr! Gwarw!

Snake: What! Why?

Paramedic: I mean think about, that thing was walking on two legs, it understands human speech, plus it was using a weapon. This "animal" is clearly nothing like I've ever heard of before. You may have stumbled upon a new species.

Snake: …I don't get it, how is this a good reason not to eat him?

Paramedic: Think about it Snake, this could be an endangered species. You can't just kill it off like that. Just let it go.

Snake: …I'm still hungry…

Paramedic: You ate his arm already Snake.

Snake: I don't have much food left too…

Paramedic: I'll tell you what Snake. On your next mission, I'll pack in more calorie mates for you.

Snake: ……

Paramedic: So?

Snake: Ramen…I want instant ramen too…

Paramedic: Fine that too. Now will you let it go?

Snake: Fine, hold on a minute…

_Sound of rummaging is heard, a sizzling sound is heard._

_Unknown: GWAWRAGHAWRGR!_

_Snake: Hold still!_

_Unknown: GAWRARAW!_

_Five minutes later…_

_Snake: Okay you can go now._

_Unknown: Gwawagr! Hsaoraw!_

_Snake: No, I'm not giving you your gun back, Shoo. Go, before I change my mind and eat the rest of you._

_Unknown: Gwawrr! (Leaves…)_

Snake: There, see? I let it go, I hope you're happy.

Paramedic: What was that hissing sound just now?

Snake: I was branding it.

Paramedic: That's ni-WHAT! WITH WHAT?

Snake: My ciger.

Paramedic: Snake, what the hell is wrong with you?

Snake: Hey, I figured if I had to let it go, I just let anybody else who sees it know that it's my discovery.

Paramedic: You're hopeless Snake. I give up. (Signs off)

Snake: Geez, What's her problem?

Meanwhile…

Luke Skywalker: Han, are you sure that Chewbacca's escape pod landed here.

Han Solo: Of course I'm sure! He has to be around here somewhere! Chewy! Chewy, where are you?

Chewbacca: Gwarrr! Haharrar! (Translation: Thank the Wookies that you're here!)

Han Solo: Whoa! Slow down their partner! What in blazes happened to your arm? You didn't bump into Vader did you?

Chewbacca: Gawarg, Worasdgaer! (Translation: I don't want to talk about it here, let's get the fuck off this planet first!)

Han Solo: Hey, what's the rush now?

Chewbacca: WORRRRRRR! (Translation: NOW!)

Han Solo: Fine! Whatever you say old buddy.

Luke: Hey Chewbacca, looks like something carved something on your back.

Chewbacca: Wordsdfe? (Translation : What?)

Luke: It says…

Snake: "BIG FOOT, PROPERTY OF NAKED SNAKE. FUCK OFF!" Yeah that's what I wrote on that damn thing!

Sigint: Man, that's one heck of a story, and THIS is one heck of a funky crossbow!

Snake: Yeah it is, isn't it?

EN

A/N: Thanks to DarkFusion for his Bigfoot idea, inspired the idea for this chapter to me. And by the gods, I do hate this Document Manager.


	10. Vampire

Just watched Reservoir Dogs, and Pulp Fiction. For those who watched the latter, I don't mean to sound racist, but "Dead Nigger Storage" is the funniest goddamn thing I have ever heard. Grade-A stuff these films are.

Disclaimer: I hate malt candy; the stuff sticks to your teeth like nobody's business. And I don't own Metal Gear Solid.

Chapter 10: Vampire

Snake: (Panting) Paramedic…

Paramedic: Snake, Oh my god! You're bleeding badly, what the heck are you doing? Use your Survival Viewer now!

Snake: It's…not…my…blood…

Paramedic: Huh?

Snake: I…met…a (shudders) vampire…

Paramedic: A Vampire?

Snake: Yes, a vam…vampi-(Breaks down and starts crying) I was so scared Paramedic! I…could have DIED! (Cries even harder)

Paramedic: Whoa, whoa, Shhhh, Shhh, Snake. It's okay now; I'm here for you. It's okay now Snake, it's okay.

Snake: No, it's not okay…

Paramedic: Yes it is Snake, yes it is. Come on say it with me Snake. It's…O-K-A-Y.

Snake: It's…o…okay…

Paramedic: Good, who's the tough guy?

Snake: …I'm the tough guy…

Paramedic: That's right, you're Naked Snake, the tough guy. And everything's okay.

Snake: (Stops Crying, Still sniffling.) I'm still shaking. Paramedic, could…could you hold me?

Paramedic: Err…no Snake; I don't think that's really possible. Snake, are you sure it was a Vampire?

Snake: Very, (sniffs) the damn thing appeared out of nowhere and tried to kill me. Scared the shit out of me…

Paramedic: Wow, that must have been freaky. Is it gone now?

Snake: Yeah…I ate him.

Paramedic: …………You ate the Vampire?

Snake: I had too, he was gonna eat me too. It was eat or be eaten.

Paramedic: ……I have to be honest with you Snake; I wasn't expecting you to meet a Vampire, and I sure as hell wasn't expecting you to EAT a Vampire. Do you mind starting from the beginning?

Snake: Sure…It happened at this tunnel…

**FLASHBACK**

(Snake is walking through the Tunnel where's suppose to meet The Fury. He reaches it, and finds no one in the area.)

Meanwhile…

The Boss: Fury! Why aren't you waiting down in the Tunnels waiting to ambush Snake?

The Fury: I can't find a light for my flamethrower Boss.

The Boss: Wha- Oh for Christ's Sake…Here! (Takes out a lighter and lights up his Flamethrower, Inciting a "thanks boss" from The Fury) Why didn't you bring a lighter? Or some matches?

The Fury: I…forgot Boss.

The Boss: So You had all that hot gas in you and no way to light it up?

The Fury: (Stares Shamefully at the floor) Yes Boss.

But anyway…

Snake: Looks like the Coast is clear. (Hears Shrieking) What was that? (Looks up at the Ceiling and spots some Bats)

Bats: Shriek! Shriek!

Snake: Uh! I hate bats. (Turns to walk away)

(Suddenly, all the Bats fly down and start gathering in front of Snake.)

Snake: What the hell?

(The bats started to merge. The bat mass slowly shape-shifts, turning human in shape. Finally turning into a well dressed man in his late-thirties, with gelled hair, a neatly trimmed mustache and FANGED teeth.)

Vampire: I am… BRACULA!

Snake (Stares in Shock and Fear) Holy Shit…

Bracula: Hmmm, a fresh one, I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLAD…

Snake: NO! NO! OH GOD! DON'T EAT ME! (Falls to the floor and uses his index fingers to make a cross) GET AWAY! GET AWAY!

Bracula: Vhoa! Vhoa! Calm down, I only vant to drink your…

Snake: NO! NO! DON'T DRINK MY BLOOD! GET AWAY! (Crawls up into a ball and starts crying)

Bracula: …Are you all right?

Snake: (Gets up onto his knees) You can't eat me…

Bracula: Vhat was that?

Snake: (Hysterically) YOU CAN'T EAT ME! I'LL EAT YOU FIRST!

Bracula: VHAT THE HECK?

Snake: (Lunges at Bracula) RWARRGGG!

Bracula: ARGHH!

(Bracula proceeds to get tore apart and eaten by Snake. His pleas of help go unnoticed as he is quickly devoured. Soon, nothing is left of Bracula except his Gelled Hair (Which turns out to be an oily wig) and his neatly trimmed Mustache (Which turns out to be a furry Caterpillar.))

Snake: oh god…oh god…oh… (Belches, then proceeds to use his Radio).

**END FLASHBACK**

Paramedic: …That has to be the most disturbing story I have ever heard. Not scary mind you, just very…very disturbing.

Snake: Yeah well, it was one hell of an experience for me.

Paramedic: …Snake?

Snake: Hmm?

Paramedic: So…how did he taste?

Snake: ……Like eating a dozen Vampire bats in one sitting.

Paramedic: Ewww…

At the same time…

(The Boss is staring out at the Ocean, there is a Fluttering of wings behind her followed by some footsteps)

The Boss: Dracula.

Dracula: Something has cropped up back in Transylvania Boss, I'm afraid I need to return.

The Boss: Really? That's a shame; we could have really used your help.

Dracula: Do not worry Boss; my Brother is staying behind to assist you.

The Boss: I didn't know you have a Brother.

Dracula: His Name is…Bracula. And while he may not be as…capable as me. He should suffice.

The Boss: Oh really? Is he all "I vant to suck your blood" like you?

Dracula: Vell, not exactly…

The Boss: Oh?

Dracula: While I crave for the blood of the living. My younger brother had developed a particular taste for another…bodily fluid.

The Boss: What?

Dracula: Urine.

The Boss: …Urine?

Dracula: Yes.

The Boss: As in piss?

Dracula: I think that is vhat you Americans call it, yes. So it's less of "I vant to suck your blood!" and more of "I vant to suck your bladder!".

The Boss: …Nothing personal Dracula. But your family is fucked up.

Dracula: (Sees The Sorrow attempting to swim in the air above the Boss and sees Ocelot twirling his revolvers, accidentally discharging one and shooting a Russian Soldier in the groin) You're not one to talk…

The Boss: What was that?

Dracula: Oh nothing, just…I couldn't agree with you more Boss.

END 

A/N: To my readers, if you weren't expecting this, I'm not surprised. If you were, you're either a psychic or me. Neither of which I'm particularly fond of. Stay tuned for the next chapter. For now, please Read and Review.


	11. Saltwater Crocodile

There are two ways I play my Video games. Seriously, and non-seriously.

Take my latest addiction, Resident Evil 4. The beginning of Chapter 5-1 (For those who play, you know it's rather difficult, for those who don't, you basically fight a bunch of mutated commandos. With one doing a Vulcan Raven impression with a gatling gun.) I play through it non-seriously first, just to get a feel of the environment and the enemies. I end up using half my shotgun shells (I had about a 100), all my magnum rounds (About 20 in all, used most on that fucking mutated gatling gun commando) and the only health item I had left was a green herb. Needless to say, I figured I couldn't advance with such a pathetic supply of ammo and health items. So I quit.

Right the next day, I decide to play through it seriously (Meaning I intend to save my progress at the next save spot.). I got through that very same spot using only 4 shotgun shells, a magnum round and my trusty knife. All without losing health. (It took me half an hour, but I actually managed to knife that pig (Mr.Gatling Gun) to death). All this, on a school night at one in the morning(When I said right the next day, I literally meant it) when I still had a test to study for and tons of Homework to complete.

Moral of the story: Resident Evil 4 is addicting. That, and I am an idiot with no social skills. BLAB! BLAB BLAB! BLAB! BLAB!

A/N: Just as a precaution, I'm rating this chapter R, due to excessive mentioning of a certain "male organ".

Disclaimer: BLAB! BLAB! BLAB! BLAB BLAB BLAB! I don't own Metal Gear Solid.

Chapter 11: Saltwater Crocodile

Snake: Paramedic, I see a Crocodile. But I don't think it's an Indian Gavial. Looks too big to be one.

Paramedic: That's a Saltwater Crocodile Snake. The saltwater crocodile, along with the gavial, is the largest of the living crocodilians, with reported lengths of up to 6–7m. Noted for its large size and fierce disposition, the saltwater crocodile has a reputation as a man-eater.

Snake: Hmm…

Paramedic: Having second thoughts? This IS a very dangerous animal.

Snake: No, I was just thinking…those white-rump vultures ate humans. And those were pretty tasty. Think this Croc would taste good?

Paramedic: Ugh! Gross! Do what you want, I give up!

Snake: I mean, you think it's a trend? Maybe I should start keeping those Russian Corpses to feed to the wildlife. Kinda like Seasoning before the mea…

Paramedic: ENOUGH! JUST EAT THE DAMN CROC! (Signs off)

Snake: Boy she's cranky today. (Puts on his Indian Gavial Hat and dives into the water) Come to papa you tasty morsel…

A couple dozen meters from where Snake is…

(Two men are currently walking through the jungle; one is wearing a pair of brown trousers, a modest white singlet and holding a camera. The other is dressed in what seems to be Khaki shorts and a brown shirt.)

Unknown 1: You done with that camera yet mate?

Unknown 2: For the last time, I am NOT your "mate". And give me another minute. Damn, these mosquitoes are nasty… (Takes out a can of insect repellent and starts spraying it in the air)

Unknown 1: Oh come on now mate! Mosquito bites build character! And hurry up with that Camera will ya?

Unknown 2: (Under his breath) Stupid Aussie bastard…Okay it's done. (Signals for Unknown 1 to get into position and points the Camera at him) Filming in 5…4…3…2…1…

Unknown 1: HELLO MATES! I'm Steven Irwin and you're watching the television premiere of COCK HUNTER! The show that aims to find the largest DICK on the face of the earth! This first episode takes us to GLORIOUS Russia! Home to the famous saltwater crocodiles! Which have an estimated dick length of 24 INCHES! You heard me ladies. 24 INCHES! CRIKEY! THAT 8 TIMES BIGGER THEN MY OWN!

A/N: Saltwater Crocodiles don't live in Russia, and they don't have 24-inch dicks. At least I don't think so. The closest I ever got to researching on them was typing "Crocodile Cock" on Google and clicking "I'm feeling lucky". Needless to say, the results were less then Stellar, and more then a fair bit disturbing. (Tongue teaser! Try saying "Croc cock" more then ten times without stumbling.)

Cameraman: 5 minutes in…

Steven Irwin: That's right folks! 24 inches! And you'll be the first to see it here on COCK HUNTER! Follow me.

(They walk through the jungle for a little while more before finally reaching the swamp.)

Cameraman: 10 minutes in…

Steven Irwin: (Spots the Saltwater Crocodile) THERE'S the beauty right there! The Saltwater crocodile in all its glory! It's lower body is still submerged so we can't see it's penis ye-(suddenly rolls over once) DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU SEE THAT? WOOO! That whopper's gotta be at LEAST 27 inches long! CRIKEY! Are you getting all this?

Cameraman: Unfortunately, yes. 15 minutes in…

Steven Irwin: Keep rolling. Crikey mate! That was magnificent! I'm still awe-struck! Let's stick around and see if it does it again folks!

Cameraman: (Suddenly spots another Crocodile swimming slowly towards the Saltwater crocodile) What's that?

Steven Irwin: Wow! Look what we got here folks! An Indian Gavial! While not as impressive as the Saltwater Crocodile, theirs can still grow to the sizable length of 16 Inches! Notice the Coloration of the skin on its head folks? It's definitely male by the looks of it. Let's stick around and see if we can try to get a glimpse of its…

Cameraman: Hey, what's it doing? (Suddenly, the "Indian Gavial" rushes towards the saltwater crocodile and they get into a mad struggle.) WHAT THE FUCK?

Steven Irwin: HOLLLYYYYY CRAP! THEY ARE MATING! ARE YOU GETTING ALL THESE? CRIKEY! THEY'RE MATING! LOOKS LIKE WE GOT OURSELVES A PAIR OF HOMOSEXUAL CROCODILES HERE FOLKS! (Blood starts appearing in the water) Aww, look folks! They're playing it rough.

Cameraman: No they're not! That Smaller one's eating the bigger one!

Steven Irwin: THAT'S what it may look like to an amateur. But if you look closely folks, you'll see it's just very aggressive sexual forepla…

Cameraman: I'm fucking serious man! That Gavial is eating the saltwater crocodile! Look!

Steven Irwin: (Stares) crikey, you're right! That Indian Gavial is actually EATING that Saltwater Crocodile! Dick and all!

(The Saltwater crocodile is quickly devoured as Snake makes short work of eating it alive and whole. Soon, nothing is left of it.)

Cameraman: Look! It's coming on shore! (The "Indian Gavial" gradually surfaces and proceeds to the dry land.)

Snake: (Exhausted but clearly full) Mmm…tasty. (Spots Steven Irwin and the Cameraman) Shit, enemies! (Pulls out his M9)

Cameraman: Hey! You're not a real Crocodile!

Steven Irwin of course, does not notice this first. Years of being a Social outcast and a complete half-wit with only an extremely weird interest to look forward too have taken its toll on poor Steven's Social skills. So he does what's only natural to him. He stares at Snake's "snake".

Snake: (Notices this) What the fuck are you staring at?

Steven Irwin: Wooo…that's not very long at all mate.

Snake: (Enraged) DIE! (Takes out his survival knife and throw it directly at Steven. It's hit him dead-on in his skull)

Steven: Crikey…(Dies)

Cameraman: AHHH! (Drops his Camera and runs off into the Jungle)

Snake: I'm not done with…you…yet (Attempts to run but is too tired.) Ah, screw it. I'm beat.

(That Cameraman would later spend a month wandering in the Jungles of Russian before being airlifted back to safety in America. He would be the one to tell Teresa Irwin, wife of Steven Irwin, Pregnant with his child, Steve Irwin, the sad news. A decade later, the child would grow up and inquire about what was it that his father was researching that was so important that he died for it. The Cameraman, not wanting to tell the poor boy the sad, pathetic truth simple uttered a single word "Crocs." Inspired by this knowledge. Steve grew up with a fascination towards Crocodiles and it eventually led him to make a career out of it eventually having his own Television show. The Cameraman himself, whose name was Mike Burnett, would later relate the harrowing experience of his month in Russia to his son Mark. This would eventually inspired Mark himself to create the first show of its kind "Survivor". And with it would follow a host of crappy reality TV. But I'm afraid that another story for another time so let's get back to this one.)

Snake: (Calls Paramedic) Paramedic.

Paramedic: So you ate it huh?

Snake: Yep, all of it. And there was this Russian Soldier that really pissed me off.

Paramedic: Really? What'd he do?

Snake: Make fun of my dick.

Paramedic: NO! Really? (Starts giggling madly)

Snake: It's not funny.

Paramedic: It is from this point of view. (Still giggling)

Snake: Seriously quit it.

Paramedic: okay, okay. Still that was pretty funny.

Snake: I guess…

Paramedic: …Snake?

Snake: What?

Paramedic: Just out of Curiosity, how long is your…

Snake: Oh, will you look at the time. Got to go Paramedic. Nice chatting with you. (Quickly signs off)

Paramedic: Hey! Spoilsport…

END

A/N: Well that was pretty exhausting to write. I'd like to take this opportunity to thanks all my readers for reading and reviewing "Just eat it". When I began this story last year. I honestly didn't expect to write this much (Nor get this many reviews.). But I am happy that people find enjoyment in reading this. And I like to thank some of the readers who have contributed their own ideas. They really help when I'm having serious writer's block,keep them coming. I appreciate it. Before I end this all with a final note. I would like to give you a word from our sponsors. " BLAB! BLAB! BLAB BLAB BLAB! BALB! BALB! BLAB! BLAB! BLAB BLAB BLAB BLAB BLAB! BLAB! BLAB! BLAB! BLAB!" I must admit, I did that to increase my word count and hit the 10000 word mark. Still, love you readers. Tune in for the next chapter. For now please Read and review.


	12. Great Tits

My last chapter didn't really receive a very good response I think. Ironically, I found it the funniest out of all the chapters I've written. I guess that shows how different I am from all of you. Don't worry, I still WUV you all! Now if you'll excuse me. I'm going to slit my Wrists.

What do you get when you combined a thin person with a fat person?

An even fatter person. Yes, I know, these jokes are getting worse.

Disclaimer: I don't own Metal Gear Solid. My stuff belongs to the government. My body, to the Mafia and YOURMYBITCH455 has just placed the winning bid on ebay for my soul.

Chapter 12: Great Tits

Snake: Paramedic, I've caught a pair of birds.

Paramedic: Aww, how cute. Those are great Tits that you have there Snake.

Snake: (Blushing) Well, I must admit, I **am** rather proud of my chest.

Paramedic: Err, Snake…

Snake: I mean, I guess it does stand out from a crowd.

Paramedic: Snake, you misunderstood…

Snake: And I think my nipples are more profound then most people.

Paramedic: Snake! I was referring to the birds.

Snake: Huh? (Staring back at the captive fowl) Okay now, that wasn't funny. I know my eyesight ain't all that great when my stamina's low but I can certainly tell if I caught a pair of boobs.

Paramedic: No Snake. Those birds are called "Great Tits". They originated in Britain. They're the largest of Tits and they have readily adapted to man-made environments. Although they can be quite aggressive at time, fighting off Smaller Tits for food. In winter it joins with blue tits and others to form roaming flocks, which scour gardens and countryside for food. (A/N: I wish I wasmaking this up. And honestly, I haven't ever written this much about tits and not have it be dirty.)

Snake: Hmm, Interesting name. Anyway, how do they taste?

Paramedic: Well…I'm not really sure. But to my knowledge they should be edible.

Snake: I'll thank your word for it then. Thanks for your help Paramedic.

Paramedic: Anytime. (Signs off)

Snake: Hmm, feeling hungry… (Takes the birds out of their cage and proceeds to swiftly devour the pair of great tits.)

Great Stamina recovery

Snake: Tasty. (Suddenly hears rustling in the bushes) What? Who's there? (Takes out his M9 and points it towards the bushes.)

And then out from the Bushes emerged…

A/N: I had two ideas on how to go about this. Rather then just choose. I'm going to be nice and show you both. Hope you lot are grateful. By the way, don't you just love the sexual innuendo?

Original story path

The Boss!

Snake: Boss!

The Boss: Jake, I'm surprised you haven't given up yet. You…are those feathers in your mouth?

Snake: Err…no…

The Boss: You're still a bad liar, chomping down on the wildlife haven't you Jake? Although, those feathers do look familiar… I could swear I've seen that coloration bef-MY GREAT TITS!

Snake: Huh?

**FLASHBACK**

Paramedic: No Snake. Those birds are called "Great Tits". They originated in Britain…

**END FLASHBACK**

Snake: Oh fuck.

The Boss: First the horse…then the sharks…now this. You just can't get enough can you? (Charges towards Snake) DIE!

Snake: Oh shit.

(Snake attempt to defend himself to no avail; The Boss soon overpowers him and beats the crap out of him. I'd describe the whole thing but I'd rather just refer you to chapter 6 and 7 instead. Except without the crushed testicles.)

Snake: Ughh…(Is once again lying on the ground in excruciating pain and staring at The Boss. Also noticing The Sorrow floating beside The Boss holding a sign that says "Hat Trick!")

The Boss: See that you don't do that again. (Walks away) Dumbass…

Snake: Ohh…

(Suddenly, there is yet more rustling in the bushes. Eva emerges from them. Heaving chest and all.)

Eva: (notices Snake) Snake! You're hurt, bad! Who did this to you?

Snake: The…Boss…

Eva: (Takes out her own survival viewer and attempts to heal Snake) These wounds are horrible! What could you have possible done to piss her off this much?

Snake: I ate…her…great…tits…

Eva: …could you repeat that?

Snake: I said…I ate her…pair of…Great Tits…

Eva: Yes that's what I thought I heard. (Swiftly slaps Snake in the face, knocking a few teeth loose) You pervert! How could you do such a thing? Have you no shame? (Slaps him a few more times)

Snake: It's…not…what…you…think…(Tries to reach out for her)

Eva: (Fearing for her "babies", Eva instinctively covers her chest) DON'T TOUCH ME YOU PERVERT! KYAHHHH! (Karate chops Snake's face before running away, all the while covering her Chest and screaming "Snake Hentai no Baka!")

Snake: Owwww…(weakly tries to call Paramedic.)

Paramedic: Snake! What the hell happened to you?

Snake: Boss…Tits…hers…

Paramedic: Wha-oh! Ohhhhh…ouch. Man, she really did a number on you. Your face looks like it's about to split in two.

Snake: That…was Eva's…

Paramedic: What?

Snake: Forget…it…

Paramedic: Cheer up Snake! I'll still be with you, now let's heal up all these wounds shall we?

Snake: This…job…sucks…

END

I am so tired right now. Anyway, here's the second one.

Alternate story path

And then out from the Bushes emerged…

The End!

Snake: You!

The End: Humph! Still haven't had enough young one? I…what's that?

Snake: What?

The End: In your mouth, are those feath-Ah! My Great Tits!

Snake: Those were yours? I thought they were wild!

(Unknown to both parties, Revolver Ocelot had just entered the scene undetected and was quietly watching the scene with peaking interest)

The End: You've gone too far this time! I'll get you for this!

Snake: Just try it old man!

Revolver Ocelot: Ha! Well this is interesting! (Intrudes into the scene)

Snake: Ocelot!

The End: You again? Leave us! This is between him and me!

Revolver Ocelot: And pray tell, what exactly did he do to make you so enraged?

The End: This…Beast of a man! First he ate my parrot…and now, if that wasn't enough. Now, he's gone and eaten my pair of Great Tits!

Revolver Ocelot: I se-WHAT THE FUCK?

Snake: Yeah, so I ate your great Tits. And you know what? I enjoyed it! And I'd do it again!

The End: You animal! It took me years to raise them to adulthood! It's was not an easy task, especially at my age.

Snake: Yeah well, tough! Got anymore?

The End: You monster!

Revolver Ocelot: (Is watching the scene in shock, mouth hanging open and eyes glazed over) End…Tits…eaten…Snake…wha?

(Suddenly, the Ocelot unit bursts into the scene)

Soldier: Commander! We finally found you! (Notices Snake) The enemy!

The End: Grr…too many people around. Snake! In time, I shall face you in a one-on-one dual. And rest assured, I'll get you for my Tits! (Leaves)

Snake: I'll be waiting. (Notices all the Soldiers; he throws down a smoke grenade.) Yoink! (Runs away)

Soldier: Wait! Damn, he got away! Commander, are you all right?

Revolver Ocelot: (Still in shock) Snake…eat…end…tits…eat…tits…end….

Soldier: Commander! Damn! That Smoke grenade must have gotten to him! (Motions to the other soldiers) Men! Carry him back to base camp!

(The Soldiers proceed to assemble a stretcher and carry the now stiff with shock Ocelot away.)

Revolver Ocelot: Tits…Tits…Tits…itchy…tasty…

END

This stuff is hard to churn out.. Anyway, please Read and Review.They help my self esteem.


	13. Owl

Whee! I'm Back. I was having a bout of writer's Block and couldn't churn out any good ideas. Also to Minion V2, I was actually contemplating making Snake eat Raikov at one point, but I decided against it at the last minute having managed to convince myself that it was just the morphine talking. Still I like your ideas, I'm considering using them for something BIG (Think REAL BIG, I mean font size 72 and in showcard Gothic format just for Kicks type of big.) in the future. That is, if I can get the Creative juices flowing. Get the Vaseline.

I like to thank all my faithful reviewers for continuing to stick with this story. Seriously, you guys are great. Special thanks also to Megami Chaos for making me realize that I'm a review whore. I can't get enough of those reviews. So let's make this the chapter that breaks the 100 mark shall we?

It's also occurred to me that with the vast amount of assorted food in the world. I probably won't be able to cover them all. So here's a quickie on some things I'm making Snake eat and his opinion about it.

First on the list…Irish Meatballs!

Snake: Tasty

Cheeseburger!

Snake: Tasty

French Toast!

Snake: Tasty.

Raw Salmon!

Snake: Tasty

Curly-fries!

Snake: Tasty

Day-old Bread!

Snake: Tasty

Spoilt Milk!

Snake: Tasty

Cyanide!

Snake: GAHH! (Dies)

Oh no! Revival Pill!

Snake (Revives)…Actually, that Cyanide was pretty…tasty.

Moving on…

Disclaimer: It's a good thing I got off those drugs in time. Or I'd have told you I own Metal Gear Solid. Which I don't, of course. I do own the title deeds to the Eiffel Tower and half of Hawaii though. So that counts for something I guess.

Chapter 13: Owl

Snake: Paramedic, I'm feeling kinda itchy…

Paramedic: Itchy? Where?

Snake: On my chest.

Paramedic: Well, I don't think it's anything serious. Some Ointment on the affected area should do the trick.

Snake: Thanks.

Paramedic: So how'd you get it anyway? Poison ivy?

Snake: I don't think so.

Paramedic: Could be food poisoning. Eat anything strange recently?

Snake: Umm…

Paramedic: Wait, stupid question. Sorry.

Snake: Actually, it could be when that scrawny kid and his friends fired this green light at me.

Paramedic: Who?

Snake: 4 Teenagers. 2 guys and girls. British I think. They were using these little sticks that fired green light. I think they were flares, can you believe it? Those punks were trying to attack me with Flares. How stupid is that?

Paramedic: Wow, were they soldiers?

Snake: No, I don't think so.

Paramedic: Then why were they attacking you?

Snake: I ate their owl.

Paramedic: …What?

Snake: Their Owl, white and pretty tasty actually.

Paramedic: …Snake, maybe you should start from the beginning. I'm not following.

Snake: It was about 3 hours ago…

**Flashback**

(Snake is wandering around once again in a jungle with an unpronounceable name. He is currently out of food, save for an almost infinite supply of Russian Rations and a spoilt vampire bat, and losing stamina.)

Snake: So hungry… (Checks his backpack once again for any food he might have missed. The large stack of Russian rations and rapidly rotting vampire bat stare back solemnly at him.)

Snake: This is bad, that bat's actually starting to look appetizing, have to find food fast…but where?

Unknown 1: Blimey! Where are we?

Unknown 2: We appear to be in some sort of Jungle.

Snake: What was that? (Follows the direction of the voices and secretly enters a clearing.)

In the Clearing…

Ron: I bloody well know that! I mean where the HELL are we?

Hermione: Don't you shout at me Ronald Weasley! It's not like it's my fault that we're in this mess!

Ron: Well YOU were the one that suggested using the time-turner to play "Spin the bottle"!

Hermione: Don't you pin this on me! You were the one that even suggested that stupid game in the first place!

Ron: Well, you went along with it!

Hermione: Well you…

Harry: Whoa, calm down guys. Arguing won't get us anywhere.

Ginny: Harry's right Herm. And Ron,shut up.

Hermione/Ron: …Fine.

Harry: Well, first things first. We need to figure out where we are.

Hermione: I can tell you WHEN we are. In the past. In the 1960s-1970s, that much I'm certain. Of course, with the way Ron was spinning the time turner, I'm surprise we haven't ended up in the stone ages.

Ron: (grumbling) Well where are we then?

Hermione: That, I'm not so sure about. That time-turner went a bit crazy when it was spinning so I'm not sure where it sent us to.

Ginny: Can't we just turn it back and return to the present?

Hermione: Well we could… but the problem is, the time-turner's not used to sending people so far back in time. Its magical power is exhausted. We have to wait for it to recharge.

Harry: And how long would that be?

Hermione: An hour give or take.

Ron: (Sits down) Great, just bloody great…

Ginny: So what do we do now Harry?

Harry: Well, at this point we don't know where we are. This could be dangerous territory. I think we should stay here until the time-turner recharges. This area seems safe enough.

Hermione: (Sits down) Good idea Harry.

Ginny: (Sits down) well, I guess we're stuck here for now.

Harry: (Sits down) Yeah.

Ron: Brilliant…

Harry: Oh comes on now Ron. It's not all that bad. We can use this time to talk. Merlin knows with the N.E.W.T.S coming up, we hardly have any free time to ourselves to chat.

Hermione: That's true I suppose.

Ron: I guess.

Harry: And besides, Hedwig here seems to be enjoying herself.

Hedwig: (perched on Harry's Shoulder) Hoot!

Meanwhile…

Hedwig: Hoot!

Snake: (Is hidden among some bushes) That bird…(As Snakes continues staring, a thought slowly circulates in his brain)

Bird—Big—White—White Rump Vulture—Tasty

Snake: Food…(Takes out his M9, aims, and fires.)

Harry: So I was telling Malfoy, Bugger off! Or I'll pu-(The Dart Connects, hitting Hedwig in the head. She falls forward on to Harry's Lap.) OH MY GOD! HEDWIG'S DEAD! HEDWIG'S DEAD!

Hermione: Harry calm down! (Walks over to Harry and inspects Hedwig) It's okay she's just asleep. (Pulls out the dart.) Someone shot her with this.

Ron: Blimey! That's big!

Ginny: Oh god… Harry was right! This place IS dangerous!

Harry: Who could have shot this?

Snake: Food…(Rises out of the bushes and proceeds to walk towards them in a slow, almost zombie-like manner)

(The 4 Hogwarts students stand up Harry too which causes Hedwig to drop from his lap and onto the ground, still peacefully asleep.)

Harry: (Cautiously) who are you?

Snake: Food… (Is slowly approaching them)

Ron: Oh crap! It's a zombie! (Takes out his wand and points it at Snake) I've read about them in those Muggle Books! They eat human brains!

Ginny: (Shivering) B..B-Brains? (Takes out her wand and points it at Snake too) Keep away!

Hermione: Harry look! (Points to the gun in Snake's Hand) I think he's the one who shot Hedwig!

Harry: What! (Takes out his wand and aims it at Snake who is still working towards them.) You! Stay back!

Snake: Hungry…bird…tasty…

Hermione: What is he- oh god…Harry! I think he wants to eat Hedwig!

Harry: (Turns back to Hermione) WHAT! (Turns back to Snake) I'm warning you! Don't move!

Snake: (Oblivious) Food…(Is still advancing towards them)

Harry: LAST WARNING! Okay guys! On three! Stupefy! Three! Two! One!

All (except Snake Of course.): STUPEFY!

(The combined spell hits Snake, he falters for a second and continues approaching them)

Ron: WHAT THE HELL!

Harry: Again!

All: STUPEFY!

Snake: Food…

Harry: Again!

All: STUPEFY!

Snake: Food…

Harry: AGAIN!

All: STUPEFY!

Snake: Food… (The spells hit to no avail, continues walking towards them in an almost sluggish comical manner)

Hermione: Harry! It's not working what do we do?

Harry: …Guys, on three again. This time…Avada Kedrava.

Ginny: Avada Kedrava!

Ron: Blimey! Harry, we can't use that. It's an unforgivable! We'll go to Azkaban for sure!

Hermione: He's right Harry!

Harry: Well, at this point, I don't care! Hedwig's in danger! Besides, no one will know except us. Please! He's getting closer!

Hermione: …All right, Harry. But just this once!

Ron/Ginny: (nod their heads.)

Harry: Thanks guys…Okay! THREE! TWO! ONE!

All: AVADA KEDRAVA!

(The sinister green light(at least that's what I think it is, haven't read Harry Potter in a while) Shoots out from all four of their wands and strikes Snake in the chest)

Snake: (Stumbles back a step and stops)…

Harry: ……..

Hermione:……..

Ginny:………

Ron: ……..Did it work?

Snake: (Stays still for a few seconds, before scratching his chest and moving forward again) Food…

Ron: HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING!

Snake: (Lunges towards Hedwig who is still sleeping on the ground) Food! (Proceeds to start eating her)

Harry: HEDWIG! OH GOD! NO! (Attempts to save her but is held back by Ginny and Ron)

Ginny: Harry no! He's too strong!

Ron: Harry, you can't save her! Let's get the hell out of here!

Harry: LET ME GO DAMN YOU! HE'S EATING HEDWIG!

Hermione: GUYS! (Is holding up the time-turner) It's working again!

Ron: Great! Let's get out of here!

(Ron and Ginny Drag Harry back towards Hermione)

Hermione: Ready? Now!

(Ron and Ginny (Still restraining Harry) Grab Hermione's Hand as she turns the time-turner. They disappear as it brings them back to thew future. Meanwhile, Snake has just finish eating Hedwig)

Snake: …Now, that was tasty.

**END FLASHBACK**

Snake: And that's what happened.

Paramedic:…

Snake: You don't believe me?

Paramedic: Actually, Surprisingly enough, I do. And once again, it never ceases to amaze and disturb me how you get caught up in these situations.

Snake: (Grins) Comes with the Job.

Meanwhile in Hogwarts…

Harry: (Is still extremely pissed off at the fact that a total stranger ate his Owl)…

Ron: …If it makes you feel any better. You can have Pig.

Harry: Fuck off.

The End

A/N: Hope you like this chapter. And remember, no matter how sadistic, it's all in good fun! Enjoy.


	14. Mentos

In the beginning, there was nothing. Than God said "Let there be LIGHT!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Another month, another chapter, another computer completely ravaged by memory erasing viruses. I just have to say that I apologize profusely for the long delay and that I won't hold it against you if you're pissed off and want to beat the shit out of me with ugly sticks. Who knows? It might help my complexion.

Disclaimer: Rooster claps a rainbow poodle, which you steer: add 1 green to your mana puddle. I don't own Metal Gear Solid. Statistics have shown that 93 of the population feel that the first sentence is more coherent than the second.

Warning! Song fic ahead!

Chapter 14: Mentos

Paramedic: I see you found some Mentos.

Snake: Mentos?

Paramedic: A peppermint flavored caramel candy first created in the 1930s by a pair of French brothers.

Snake: French candy?

Paramedic: Yes. Mentos are widely known to be extremely tasty and refreshing. Some have even claimed that it has magical properties.

Snake: This thing has magical properties?

Paramedic: Well, it's not proven. Why don't you eat one and find out?

Snake: I think I'll do just that. Thanks.

Paramedic: Anytime. (Signs off)

Snake: Hmm, Mentos…

Russian soldier no 1: Freeze! You're surrounded!

(A dozen Soldiers appear out of nowhere and proceed to surround Snake.)

Snake: Shit!

Russian soldier no 1: We have you now American infidel!

(They cock their rifles and prepare to shoot Snake.)

_Doo doo doo…_

Japanese soldier no 1: Nani?

Russian soldier no 3: What the? What is that?

_Doo-doo, do-Wah!_

Japanese soldier no 5: Doko? Doko?

Russian soldier no 4: Quiet! Where is that coming from?

_It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life, and Mentos is fresh and full of life!_

_  
_French soldier no 6: Mon dieu! Vhat is this music?

Snake: Catchy.

_Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool, with Mentos, fresh and full of life!_

Snake: (pops a mentos into his mouth) Tasty…(rushes towards them) CQC!

Russian soldier no 1: Gah!

Japanese soldier no 6: Gack!

French soldier no 8: Sacre Bleu!

_Fresh goes better! Mentos freshness! Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!_

(Snake makes short work of the inter-racial squad of Soldiers. They're soon all lying on the ground, dead or dying.)

Snake: (poses) Mentos! The fresh maker!

Russian soldier no 1: So…minty…hack! (Dies)

Snake: This stuff does have magical properties.

Later…

(Snake is outside a Russian Military base that is completely surrounded by Soldiers.)

Snake: Damn! How do I get in?

_Doo doo doo, doo-doo, do-Wah!_

Snake: That's it! (Fumbles through his backpack and fishes out his Mentos)

_It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life, and Mentos is fresh and full of life!_

Snake: (Pops a mentos into his mouth) Tasty… (Dons his cardboard box and walks out in plain sight.)

_Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool, with Mentos, fresh and full of life!_

Russian soldier: Sir, what is that?

Russian Commander: What? Oh, just a box. Ignore it.

Russian Soldier: But it's moving towards the base sir…

Russian Commander: Are you questioning my orders Private?

Russian Soldier: But it has legs sir…

Russian Commander: You will obey my orders, soldier. And if I say ignore it, ignore it! Do you understand Private?

Russian Soldier: Yes sir, ignore the moving box with legs. Understood sir.

Russian Commander: Good, just so we're clear on that matter.

_Fresh goes better! Mentos freshness! Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!_

(Snake successfully enters the Military base)

Snake: (Removes his cardboard box and poses.) Mentos! The Fresh Maker!

_Russian Soldier: Sir, I think the cardboard box just entered the base sir._

_Russian Commander: That's it! You're demoted!_

Later… 

(Snake is facing off against a towering robot that oddly enough, resembles a giant ostrich.)

Snake: Metal Gear…

Russian Commander: You may have eluded me back than, but you won't escape your fate! Go, Metal Gear Chocobo!

MGC: Wark!

_Doo doo doo, doo-doo, do-Wah!_

Snake: Guess again, dumbass. (Pops a Mentos into his mouth) Tasty… (Takes out his RPG) 

_It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life, and Mentos is fresh and full of life!_

Snake: (Begins to fire rockets at MGC at roughly the speed of light.)

_Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool, with Mentos, fresh and full of life!_

Snake: (Is still firing a constant barrage of Rockets at MGC

MGC: Wark! (Is finally unable to bear the force of the assault and explodes.)

_Fresh goes better! Mentos freshness! Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!_

Russian Commander: It can't be... (Gets caught in the explosion and dies.)

Snake: (poses) Mentos! The fresh maker!

The Boss: Jack…

Snake: Boss! (Turns around and sees the Boss standing amidst the ruined base.)

The Boss: I see you have succeeded in destroying Metal Gear Chocobo. No matter, we still have the Shagohod and the philosopher's legacy. Did you really think you could triumph over us Jack?

Snake: I'll…I'll beat you! (Pops the remaining Mentos in his mouth and charges at the Boss) Roar!

_Doo doo doo, doo-doo, do-Wah!_

"Ow! Awargh!" 

_It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life, and Mentos is fresh and full of life!_

"Argh! Ow! Ow! Ow!" 

_Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool, with Mentos, fresh and full of life!_

"Oh! Hack! ACK!"

_Fresh goes better! Mentos Freshness! Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!_

"Owww……" 

The Boss: (Reading the label) Mentos, the fresh maker? Did you honestly did you could defeat me by just ingesting some mint candy Jack?

Snake: Ohhhh…..(Is sprawled on the ground in a relatively uncomfortable position. The Sorrow hovering above him holding a sign that reads 'Try some gum, next time.")

The Boss: Jack, out of all the things you have done. I think this qualifies as the stupidest.

Snake: Ohhh…(Is generally incoherent, having your windpipe crushed does that to you.)

The Boss: I shall leave you to your pain. (turns to leave) Oh, and next time, try to come up with something that's actually worth my time. (walks away)

Snake: (Somehow manages to call up Paramedic.)

Paramedic: Ouch! Let me guess, The Boss?

Snake: Ohh…(Attempts to nod his head and breaks a collar bone trying.)

Paramedic: Ah well,looks like it's time for another one of my "special treatments".

Snake: …God…damn…French candy…

END

So ends another meaningless chapter. As always, please read and review. Much appreciated.


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